I awoke this morning to no Internet. A major storm moved through our area overnight and robbed me of the instant gratification to which I have become accustomed. I also got an immediate headache from all the burning questions that suddenly began racing across my synapses; questions to which I could not immediately jump on the Internet to begin finding answers – When would my Internet be back? Did Condoleezza Rice leave for the Middle East to put in place yet another ineffectual, harebrained scheme by the Bush administration for solving the Middle East Problem? Did the Braves win last night? What did T.O. wear yesterday? And, most important of all, Who is responsible for my not having access to the Internet this morning? What idiot was asleep at the wheel and allowed this injustice to be visited upon me? (I’ve always found great solace in blaming someone else, especially for acts of Nature, because, as we all know, in America, we can solve any problem instantaneously.)

I’ve faced the temporary loss of my PC before when it experienced unacceptable problems and I had to turn it over to the Help Desk for repair. I’m still looking for someone to blame for each of those occurrences, and I already have my ire out for the Help Desk who, for some reason I still cannot fathom, actually had to take more than a few seconds to fix the problem. Seems to me anyone working at a Help Desk should be trained by a leading faith healer so they can simply solve all computer problems with a “Laying on of Hands.”

Whenever something like this happens, I always live in abject fear that I will suddenly be transported to the time of my Grandmother, when the most “modern” device she had was an early washing machine with an attached wringer used to get most of the water out of the clothes before they were hung on a line to dry. (Puts a bit of a different bent to the phrase “getting your shorts in a twist,” doesn’t it?) Imagine – no indoor running water, no central heat, no air conditioning and, perhaps worst of all, no Internet. But then we must remember that this was a time before The History began being recorded. Dinosaurs still roamed the Earth, there were no henges made of Stone (although my Grandmother did tell me there were rumors that straw and wood henges had existed before the appearance of the Big Bad Wolves) and integrity meant that you didn’t lie to your employees or to the people who elected you President.

But let us return to the Blame Game. Based upon the information I have been given by my government, I deduce that one of three things has happened –

1. God is pissed that the U.S. Congress has voted to increase funding for stem cell research, thereby putting his personally appointed guardian of my moral values in the unpleasant position of having to veto the bill.
2. The storm that passed through the region is a terrorist plot hatched to impart fear (see above) into every fiber of my being.
3. There is something amidst my phone records that some alphabet soup government agency doesn’t like so they have suspended all my contact with the outside world.

So now, I am faced with determining whom to blame – God, Al Qaeda or some faceless cloak-and-dagger agency. The headache just ratcheted up a notch.

Could it possibly be a normal occurrence of Nature has temporarily inconvenienced me? I have trouble buying that because (1) it makes too much sense and (2) it is too simple. As a patriotic, loyal American I feel I am honored bound to search out someone to blame for all this.

Anybody got any aspirin?